I really don’t understand why any guy would find me “hot”/attractive. I guess it might be cause I look mixed or whatever and the fact that I’m an aggressive bitch but other than that, I don’t see anything appealing about myself and if any guy were to tell me otherwise, I’ll just wave it off as “He’s trying to get into my pants”. And it really makes me feel sick when a guy keeps telling me I’m gorgeous like what my 2 best guy friends do to me everyday. It’s nauseating.
French kissing while high is fucking awesome.
Having way too much fun with my PowerPoint on the benefits of being vegetarian cause I intentionally want to scare the shit out of my classmates.
I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to get this far in life without doing anything crazy. I’m pretty proud of myself for not going into hardcore drugs or doing any self-harm. I guess there’s a fighter in me that believes that no matter how bleak and empty my past and present is, my future will eventually take a turn for the better.
I have the sweetest, most gorgeous friends ever. I never met them before this year but we’ve grown so tight in such a short time, it’s crazy. They bring me right up when I put myself down. They listen to everything I say as if it were gold and they never judge me for what I’ve done in the past and accept me for how I am. I can’t even smoke anymore cause of them or else I’ll feel like I betrayed them. I love them too much <3
I have this weird thing where I hate getting attention from guys in the street but when it comes from my guy friends who ask to view my butt in tight jeans, I have no problem showing it to them. That shit drives them crazy…
So I had my annual checkup today and apparently, I scored high on their depression/suicide questionaire but that’s only cause I’ve been faking my responses for the past 2 years and I’ve finally decided to be honest for once. Now, they’re making me see a shrink at the health clinic where I got fired volunteering from and my first appointment is in July.
-u so tense
-ur neck so stiff
-ur thyroid smaller
-ur neck skinnier
-ur body asymetrical
-u mature for ur age
-u take drugs right
-ur boobs uneven
I’m not gonna pretend that my mom and I have a great, loving relationship cause we don’t. We’re both impatient and hot-tempered so we bicker and fight every single day. Honest to God, I think she’s the most irrational, craziest person on this entire planet. I just don’t understand how her mind works.. Like last week, we had to go to the financial aid office at the college I’m attending next year and she asked me if I knew where the dining hall was (cause I took a college class there once) and I didn’t know where it was so we ended up walking around the entire campus in the pouring rain confused since there’s more than one dining hall. And you know what she did? She got real mad at me and started calling me a stupid, useless piece of shit over and over again and screaming at me to go die like a fucking mad woman. I swear the students passing by were staring at us and I was so angry and hurt, I saw some stairs leading down to a sidewalk and I just wanted to fling myself down those stairs and pull myself out of my misery. But I resisted as best as I could and I told my mom that if she continues embarrassing me like that in public, I’m just gonna go home and she was like “if you go, I’ll jump in front of a car and let it hit me.” Yep, that’s my mom. She’s easily depressed and suicidal JUST LIKE ME. No one knows how hard it is to deal with a mother like mine. I always feel like I have to constantly please her and make her happy just so she doesn’t do anything crazy and it has been like that ever since I was little and it has made me the anxiety-ridden, self-loathing person I am today. It doesn’t matter how high my GPA is or how many times people tell me I look pretty in a given day, I’m always gonna automatically put myself down just cause I was raised and emotonally abused to feel that way. And no matter what I do, there’s always gonna be that fear that I’m not good enough or better than other people at something. And there’s so much more than the endless bickering everyday that I can’t bring myself to write on here cause if I did, someone’s deff gonna read this and contact child support. I really wish I can feel excited about Mother’s Day but honestly, neither me nor my mom are hyped up about it. I mean, the roses I bought her are only gonna make her happy for so long and of course, I adore the (rare) caring, nurturing side of my mom that cares for me when I’m down but sometimes, I just long for the close relationships my friends share with their moms and I do try to get my mom to like me more; it just isn’t easy cause it feels like I’m the one that’s putting more effort and it feels like she doesn’t appreciate it like for example, when we go on the bus together, she doesn’t even sit near me and I wonder what the hell I did wrong but then I realize it isn’t my fault; it’s her choice for not wanting to sit next to her own daughter on the bus. I hope our relationship gets a turn for the better once I leave for college and I don’t even know why I typed up such a long pointless ass post about this when I know no one’s gonna read it but I guess it feels good to vent about my inadequate life.
So I basically just admitted to my English teacher and class that I was an alcoholic and it wasn’t even his fault. He had us all go up in front of the room and talk about a random topic that he chooses for us and of course, he had to give me the worst one which was “tell us about the worst day you ever had” and I couldn’t even pick a shitty day that’s appropriate to discuss so in desperation, I started talking about the day I was so depressed, I drank myself into a 10-hour coma and ended up facedown in a puddle of vomit at the hospital. And everyone was just staring and smiling at me like I’m some hardcore survivor and when I was done talking, my teacher was like “so did that situation change the way you deal with depression?”..Seriously, that had to be the most lamest and nosiest thing a teacher had ever asked me to do.
